how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
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Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
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MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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