I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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