I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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