thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sober January is a disaster.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
