im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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