This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
