It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
