You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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