i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
