There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
