im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
