im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
