Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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