are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
