we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
