Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
