Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
