i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
