Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
