1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
