i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
why do cheetos always look like penises
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
