Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
