Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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