I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
