wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
