I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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