Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize