I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am naked and annoyed.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
