Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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