I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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