i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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