Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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