it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
