I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
