he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
