The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
