i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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