An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
