Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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