You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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