I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
