Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
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found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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