u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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