who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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