what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
