Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
