It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
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When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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