The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We are two peas in an std pod
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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