No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
