I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
