ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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