Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
