Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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