I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
