i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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