I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
