I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
