oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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