get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
